This is Going to Hurt Me More Than it is Going To Hurt You

I think we all heard that line for the first time somewhere between four and six years old.  It made no sense to us, back then.  As a parent today, it carries some more weight.

Having to discipline our children is a tough one, for sure.  It can feel like it is physically hurting us to have to hold our ground with them when they step out of line or make a poor decision.  You get that knot in your stomach, you start questioning yourself, you ask yourself if you are being mean, you get anxious, and so on.  You may even wonder what they will think of you after it’s over.  So what do we do in this situation when you must be the disciplinarian?

The first and most important question to ask ourselves when we have to discipline our children is:
“Am I doing this in the highest and best interest of the child?”
This is so important to really ask yourself, because it takes away what I call reactive or compulsive disciplining.  Reactive discipline comes from a place of anger, confusion, frustration, and fear.  When we act from these places, we are not addressing the problem at hand, we are satisfying OUR feelings, and it’s not about us.  It is critical that we do not discipline children to satisfy our feelings!  Discipline is a tool, one that must be used neutrally and appropriately.  When we discipline a child to satisfy our anger with them, we are being selfish and not focused on sending a corrective message, but rather a message that tells the children to react to mistakes with anger.  Avoid exercising discipline when angry.  This is not the message we want to deliver.

The next question:
“Does the discipline fit the mistake?”
Learn to appropriately match disciplinary action to mistakes.  Grounding a child for 6 months because they did not set the dinner table on time is not an appropriate discipline.  A basic rule of thumb when putting a young child in time out, for example, is to have them in time out for the number of minutes equal to their age.  For example, a five year old that talks back may get 5 minutes in time out, followed by a required apology, and a hug and kiss.  As the children get older, and their mistakes get bigger, you have to use your discretion.  For example, when disciplining a teenager for breaking curfew, taking the car away for the rest of the weekend or the next time they go out is appropriate.  It is also a good idea to have older children and teenagers do something constructive around the house when they step out of line that they normally don’t do.  This channels their energy (they will be frustrated when you discipline them) in to something productive and will give them time to reflect on their mistake.  Manual labor is usually good.

“Does the child understand clearly what they did wrong?”
The pre-framing for this should take place before the child makes a mistake.  One of the biggest errors I see parents make today is that they don’t take the time to effectively explain all of the rules and boundaries of success to a child. I often tell parents that running a household is somewhat like running a business.  If you went to work tomorrow and the boss changed all of the rules and expectations and didn’t tell you, and then proceeds to scold you for making a mistake, you would probably be angry and confused.  A household works the same way.  If a child doesn’t clearly understand how to succeed and what the consequences are for failure or disobedience, they too will be confused when disciplined.  This will cause the child to rebel harder against your authority.

Here are a few more tips to think about:

1) Try not to do discipline in the heat of the moment.  We tend to not speak clearly and thoughtfully when we are angry.  You don’t want to say something you don’t mean and can’t back up.

2)  The younger the child, the more crucial it is to connect the discipline to the mistake quickly. As time passes, the child will have a harder time understanding the correlation between discipline and mistake

3) NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, issue a warning that that you are not prepared to back up IMMEDIATLEY.  This is crucial.  The other side of this is to think very hard before you issue a warning, because once you issue it, you must follow through.  Not doing so will damage your authority and the child will not take you seriously.  Then you will run in to a new set of problems.

4) Do not give them three attempts to follow your directions.  Do not count to three.  All you are doing is programing the child that they get three shots at everything, including your authority.  Life does not work this way, and children will benefit from learning this lesson early in life.  Children must learn to follow directions the first time.

5) Praise.  It is so vital to show love and praise when a child fixes a mistake or does the right thing.  They need to know that you love them, and that you are proud of them for making the right decisions.  Children enjoy the feeling of pleasing, and they will work hard to replicate that feeling.

Finally, it is important to remember that all good parents feel hurt when they have to discipline their child, but you must remind yourself that you are the custodian of their future.  Nothing should stand in the way of you educating and positively molding your children into self-sufficient, model citizens who will be productive role models one day.  Not even those uncomfortable feelings you get.

All the best,

David Alvas

Be Your Own Hero

Living with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty can be miserable. It robs us of opportunities to seize the special moments in our lives. It leads us to regrettable decisions, and even worse, to not make a decision when one must be made. Negative emotions are as powerful as injecting a toxin into your body. It can shut down your immune system. It can alter your body chemistry. It can cause you to get sick. So it is important that we study how to combat negative emotions by curing them, not brushing them under the rug.

Most of our basic fears sprung roots when we were small, most likely between the ages of two and six. We have carried them with us our entire lives, most of the time subconsciously. So every time something happens that strikes that old root, we respond the same way we did when we were young. We run and hide. We don’t act. We wait for someone to do it for us.

Here is a quick example: Jimmy is 5 years old and playing on a baseball team. In a big game, Jimmy is playing in the outfield, and suddenly, with the crack of a bat, a pop fly enters his territory. Jimmy focuses very hard on catching the ball, but to no avail. The ball hits his glove, and bounces to the floor. The runners score, the game is over, and Jimmy feels as though he is to blame. Even worse, one or two of his teammates tell Jimmy that he blew the game for them.

In this example, it is easy to see that Jimmy is upset, but what Jimmy doesn’t realize is that his subconscious has now made a decision to never be responsible for the big “stuff” in life again because he already failed once at it, and he hated how that felt. To protect himself from that awful feeling, Jimmy will avoid those opportunities for the rest of his life so he doesn’t have to feel that kind of pain again.

Do you really want to spend your life reacting to a fear that was created decades ago? Probably not. The first step is to identify what it is that scares you. What is it that keeps you from reaching your dreams? It’s not the fear of dropping the baseball; it’s the fear of letting others down. The next step is to sit with it for a while. It might make you mad, it might make you cry, but you must sit with it. The final step is to dig your heels in the ground and take some kind of an action that will directly connect you with that fear and give you the opportunity to let it go. Remember, it is not the action that scares us, it’s how we feel. The action is nothing more than a vehicle of opportunity to shift what must be shifted.

When you accomplish this, you set yourself free. You are your own hero. You save yourself.
Tang Soo Do is a great way to address this process because it consistently gives students an opportunity to practice awareness, to overcome fears using courage, and to practice the self-discipline necessary to change.

You have that super power; you just have to choose to use it, no matter how scared you are.

All the best,
David Alvas