Weekly Tune Up 5/10/2011

Don’t Give Away the Answer

By Master Instructor David Alvas, Director

Most of you have probably experienced that when you give someone advice, they often choose not to receive it and use it. They nod their heads and stay quiet as you explain to them what it is they need to do, say thank you, and go on with their business. Sometime later, when you see them again, you ask them how things are going, and they tell you they are stuck in the same place.

Why is that? Why do people not take advice, even when they ask for it?

We are a species of hard and slow change. We need to burn our hands on the stove to stop touching the stove, even if mom and dad warned us of the certain damage it would cause. This is because we innately need to manifest our sense of ownership over our actions and our work. We need to be the cause of our successes, AND OUR FAILURES. Failure can sometimes be the best teacher.

Think about it. Have you ever heard someone brag about a mistake they made in the past to demonstrate how much they have learned and how far they have come? It’s as if they are almost proud of the mistake, because it opened their eyes to a higher wisdom. However, this only works when you make a mistake and are open to receiving the lesson of the mistake. Most of us make the same mistakes over and over again because we are missing the root message, or are simply not in a place in our lives to make the correction yet.

When people ask for advice, they are really asking to be heard. They are asking for guidance, and guidance and advice are NOT the same things. In order to give guidance, you must be able to relate to and feel a person’s pain. People will allow you to help them if they feel you have experienced what they are experiencing. A wise guide asks questions that lead to a result that is discovered by the person in need. This way, the person asking for “advice” finds the answer for themselves, and takes ownership of that answer, because they are proud of the fact that they discovered the answer. It wasn’t given to them on a silver platter.

Major corporations like Toyota have found that promoting someone too quickly to a high level position in the company almost always results in failure because the employee did not earn ownership of the company by working their way up the ladder. They did not experience all of the hardship and lessons each small step up the ladder brings.

This week, when someone asks for advice, try asking questions instead of telling them what to do. They may just find the answer on their own.

It is also important to have the courage to admit when you don’t know the answer or the right questions to ask. If you don’t know how to help them, just listen and connect with their pain. Saying ‘I don’t know the answer’ can be powerful for both of you.

All the best,

David Alvas